Forgiving someone is one of the hardest things we can do, and sometimes receiving forgiveness is just as hard. We’ve all had experiences of being looked down upon, taken advantage of, overlooked, undervalued, or ignored, where our contributions were disregarded. These experiences can harden our hearts towards people and sometimes even God, leaving us upset and angry, and making forgiveness feel impossible.
I want to ask this question again: “Why is it so hard to forgive?”
These painful experiences often create heavy feelings. When feelings are attached to wounds, they go deeper and become harder to heal and harder to forgive. Many people, even though they desire to forgive, feel unable to because of the pain they carry. Others avoid forgiveness or refuse to offer it, whether out of laziness, pride, resentment, or ego. Often, we do not “feel” forgiveness, whether on the giving or receiving end, because forgiveness is deeply tied to our emotions.
Joseph’s Forgiveness
This might not capture the depth of hurt you have experienced, but consider the story of Joseph. Joseph was betrayed by his own brothers, sold into slavery to an officer of Egypt’s ruler, falsely accused by his master’s wife, and left in prison for years. Despite doing everything he could to live righteously, he suffered deeply because of the actions of others. Joseph had every reason to remain angry and bitter.
Yet, when he saw his brothers again, he chose to forgive them, saying:
“You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive.” (Genesis 50:20)
Joseph did not forget the wrongs done to him, but he chose to forgive, knowing God’s plan was bigger than his pain. His forgiveness gave him freedom from bitterness, and God raised him to be second in command over Egypt, using him to save many lives, including the lives of those who hurt him.
In a similar manner, you may have always been there for your family, church, or friends, only to feel overlooked or unappreciated now. But God sees your faithfulness and is working even through your pain.
“If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” (Proverbs 25:21-22)
Jonah’s Unwillingness to Forgive
Another example from Scripture is the prophet Jonah. God called Jonah to go to Nineveh, a city filled with sin, to warn them and call them to repentance. But Jonah, out of pride, fear, or resentment, fled from God’s call. Deep down, Jonah did not want Nineveh to receive God’s forgiveness; he would have rather seen them destroyed.
Yet God, in His grace, desired to forgive Nineveh when they repented, showing His compassion and mercy. When God wants to forgive people, who are we to hold on to anger and resentment?
As John MacArthur wisely said:
“When the God of all creation, the Most Holy One, forgives a person like me, an unholy one, should I not forgive others?”
Jesus Calls Us to Forgive Without Limits
Peter, one of Jesus’ close friends and disciples, once approached Jesus and asked:
“Master, how many times should I forgive someone? Should I forgive him seven times?”
Jesus replied:
“I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22)
Jesus calls us to forgive without limits, without end.
How do we move toward forgiveness when it feels impossible?
- Conviction
- Confession
- Forgiveness
Faith and unforgiveness cannot live in the same room. When we hold anger or resentment, the Holy Spirit convicts us, revealing what is hidden in our hearts and what needs healing. The writer of Hebrews says:
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)
God knows what is in your heart and what is in theirs. He knows your deepest wounds and how to heal them. He knows how to judge the righteous and the unrighteous, how to comfort, and how to convict. When you sense His conviction, do not resist it; allow Him to soften your heart.
The next step is confession. In therapy, this is often called “holding space.” We all need someone we trust to share our struggles with—someone who will listen without judgment. If you don’t have someone, pray that God will bring a trustworthy friend, pastor, or mentor into your life.
Share your anger, frustration, and resentment honestly. Listen to their perspective with discernment and humility. This is very biblical:
“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)
Confession brings you one step closer to the freedom found in forgiveness.
Jesus modeled forgiveness, even while on the cross, praying:
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)
Later, He told the repentant thief next to Him:
“Today, you will be with Me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43)
We often pray the Lord’s Prayer, saying:
“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12)
Pause and ask yourself: Do I truly mean these words when I pray them? God is willing to forgive us when we come to Him with a genuine change of heart, no matter how heavy our debts may be. Are we willing to extend that same forgiveness to others?
A Practical Invitation
Forgiveness is often a long process, and it may not happen the way we expect. Be patient with yourself and “pray without ceasing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Today, I encourage you to pray and ask God for forgiveness if you have been holding bitterness against someone or something. Forgive yourself first, then ask God to help you forgive others with a true change of heart. If God is leading you, consider going to the person directly to seek reconciliation and offer forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not excuse the wrong, but it frees your heart and allows God to heal your deepest wounds. It allows you to live in the freedom Christ has bought for you.
The question is not only, “Why is it so hard to forgive?” but also, “Am I willing to take the step to forgive, as I have been forgiven?”